Subway Tales by Steve Beverly

EDITOR'S NOTE from ALICIA:
Back in the day, my dear friend and I Stephen Beverly and I were more than just buddies. In high school, our relationship went much, much deeper than that. It was a torrid, complex bond we shared, one we're still sorting out even now. I was the teaching assistant for one of his English classes our senior year at Drury High School. Taught by Tim Callahan (Hi, T.C.! I know you be creepin buntology. You better be), I ruled the classroom with an iron fist, giving tough grades to even the best students. I was hard, but fair. Ask TC. I was probably .. the best TA ever. Yep, that's how I was known up at ol' Drury - best piece of TA to ever saunter into an English classroom. Anyway, this play, written by my Steven and handed in only 2 days late, earned a 100 from me. I wrote in big pink letters: "100! Pure brilliance!" Mr. Callahan wrote: "She looooves you! But you get a 68." (He would have gotten an 88 if he'd handed it on on time.)

So now, for your reading pleasure: Subway Tales.


INT. WILLIAMSTOWN SUBWAY. NIGHT.
STEVE and ALICIA are talking

STEVE

So what are you up to tonight?

ALICIA

Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'll call one of my boyfriends or something.

STEVE

So, there are more than one now?

ALICIA

Yeah, it's awesome.

STEVE

Awesome for a skank like you.

ALICIA

Oh, well, at least my freshman girlfriend didn't dump me. Stupid loser.

STEVE

Screw you. Why don't you get another disease?

An odd-looking couple walks in the door.

WOMAN

Do you sell any sandwiches for a dollar?

STEVE

No, the cheapest sandwich is like three dollars.

MAN

(to woman) No, that's too much. How much for an apple pie?

STEVE

Seventy-two cents.

MAN

Can we have two of those, please?

STEVE gets them their food. They pay and walk over to a table. They talk for a moment or two, and then the man looks over at STEVE evilly. The pair then walks out.

STEVE

What was the deal with them?

ALICIA

What do you mean?

STEVE

I'm not even sure THey were acting really weird while they ordered. Plus, they kept staring at me. I just think they're up to something.

ALICIA

You're crazy, Steve. Have you been drinking or something?

STEVE

You know, every time I have an idea, it doesn't necessarily mean I've been drinking, ALICIA.

ALICIA

Maybe you're not drunk. Maybe you're just on your crazy pills again, because those people weren't doing anything wrong!

Another customer walks in.

STEVE

Why don't you make yourself useful and get those people a sandwich.

ALICIA

Screw you.
A couple of hours pass and STEVE and ALICIA continue to go about their regular work.

STEVE

That creepy lady is still sitting there. She must be up to no good.

ALICIA

Yeah. I'm starting to get freaked out by her, too.

STEVE

Maybe she's just hungry. Ask her if she wants some free food.
ALICIA walks over to the woman.

ALICIA

Ummm ... would you like something to eat, or anything?

WOMAN

No, thank you.

ALICIA

Are you sure? We won't charge you.

WOMAN

That's quite all right. Thank you for asking, though. I'm really full from those pies.

ALICIA goes back behind the counter.

STEVE

Well, what did she say?

ALICIA

She told me that she was full from those pies.

STEVE

But Alicia, I've been watching her, and -

ALICIA

And WHAT?

STEVE

And since I've been watching her, she hasn't eaten either of those pies!

ALICIA

Ok, now I'm really freaked out!

They bother go into the back room.

STEVE

All right. If that crazy guy comes back, whoever is in back should just run away. Agreed?

ALICIA

Ok. It's a deal.

They both prepare to close up for the night. STEVE goes and puts away some silverware and the strange man runs back in with some kind of large bag under his arm. He runs over to the WOMAN.

MAN

We have to get out of here right now!

WOMAN

Did you do it?

MAN

Of course I did. Now let's go!

ALICIA drops a pot, drawing the attention of the MAN and WOMAN.

MAN

She's on to us! (pulling a gun) Freeze, bitch!

ALICIA

Ahhh! Oh my goodness, someone help me!

MAN

Shut up and get down on the ground!

ALICIA hesitates.

MAN

I said now, bitch!

ALICIA

Goodness! Steve, run quick!

STEVE comes out from the back with his hands in the air.

MAN

Get the heck on the ground!

STEVE

All right. Just calm down, buddy.

MAN

Don't tell me what to do!

STEVE

Ok, but listen. There is a safe in the back with thousands of dollars in it. It's yours. Just don't hurt the girl.

MAN pauses, then looks over at woman.

MAN

We could use some more money.

WOMAN

We've got plenty of money already. There's no reason to get this money.

MAN

Shut the heck up! Who asked you, anyway? (To STEVE) All right, show me the safe. ... And you better not try anything stupid.

STEVE

All right, just don't do anything rash!

They start to go toward the back room.

ALICIA

Be careful, Stevie.

MAN

You shut the heck up, ho, or I'll slap you.

As he turns to yell at ALICIA, STEVE picks up a meatball pan and smacks the man over the head with it.

MAN

Ouch! You hit me in the head with a meatball pan!

The MAN topples and STEVE grabs his gun.

ALICIA

Oh, Steve, you're so awesome and brave. How can I ever repay you?

STEVE

I'll think of something ... baby.

The WOMAN from the corner makes a run for the door.

STEVE

Look out! (shoots her in the leg)

WOMAN

Ouch! You shot me in the leg!

ALICIA

Wow, Steve. You're such a good shot. Is there anything you aren't good at?

STEVE

Nope.

A few hours later, some police are still milling around, questioning STEVE and ALICIA.

OFFICER

Well, I think that just about does it. And let me just shake the hand of a real live hero. (shakes STEVE'S hand) Not just anyone could stop two bank robbers.

STEVE

It was nothing, officer. (looking at ALICIA) What do you say we head back to my house?

ALICIA

(Giggling) Whatever you say, baby.

STEVE and ALICIA go back to STEVE'S house. They fall asleep together, and STEVE is very content.

INT. STEVE'S BASEMENT - DAY

STEVE wakes up in his basement to find his friends JUSTIN, ROSS and WALT sitting around watching television.

STEVE

Huh? What happened?

ROSS

(holding a funnel) You funneled 20 beers last night and puked all over the place.

WALT

Yeah dude, it was wicked sweet.

STEVE

Why is my eye all swelled shut?

JUSTIN

You grabbed ALICIA'S ass and her boyfriend punched you in the face.

STEVE

Wow. That's almost like the dream I just had.

Jackie's gland pt. 2

Hello All!

Just letting you know that Glenda has made her way out! Glenda the Gland has finally been killed off by a whole bunch of antibiotics. It took ten whole days but, I think she is gone for good. Can't say that I will miss her but we had some good times together.

On another note, last night my roommates threw a rager in the apartment. My roommate Ashley turned 22. There were at least 15 people from her hometown here. It was pretty nuts so I decided to sneak out so I wouldn't get in trouble. The next morning I came back to cups, puke, and lots of stories about people showing boobs and ass. Too bad I missed it!

IMPORTANT NOTICE: I have finally caved and gotten back on facebook. I did go without it for almost an entire month! Thankfully all pictures and friends were saved...phew.

Dear Math Teacher by Alicia

Here's the difference between me and you, Math Teacher.

I flaunt my power, but I don't lord it. I don't saw away at the egos and emotions of students, trying to stifle them with numbers and superiority. Guess what? Not going to work on this girl. I won't be cramped by your stupid little formulas and your stupid little voice. You sit at the front of a cramped and quietly miserable classroom like a toad, delighted to be conducting class at 8 a.m., munching on a breakfast of sour-cream-and-cheddar Ruffles you bought from the vendor in the lobby. I see your grease thumb prints on the handouts you distribute. Don't you think it's hard enough for me to understand this stuff without the distraction of your oily evidence?

If I could plug numbers into formulas the way I can fit words into sentences, I wouldn't have to sit in your tiny airless room and listen to you. So now, every time I get impatient with someone who needs MY help, I'm going to think of your stupid tent-sized, sea-monster-green blouse.

Weekly Westfield Round-Up by Angela

Welcome to the first installment of the Weekly Westfield Round-Up. I know we promised the round-up on Monday, but I'm still getting settled in here at WSC so mama is busy.

The first night at Westy (a Monday) was pretty fun. Me, Alicia and Jackie all rocked ourhemp necklaces (courtesy of Lauren Davenport) and hung out in my new on-campus apartment, err, "Old Apartment" as it is called. I share the place with five hot chicks. We had friends come over (plus our dear friends right across the hall) and drank, chilled, and poked smot all night. Is that phrase cliche?
This is me wearing the scarf my roommate Katie got me from Italia. I love it! I actually wore it to the bar tonight. Luckily no drunken cunts spilled beer on it.


Of course everybody loves Ivan, our bffl / PR guy.

I got super super drunk the next night (surprisingly out of character for me) and don't have pics to show. Or even much of a memory at all. That's not completely true. I do remember getting written up and plugging Buntology to the R.A. busting my balls.

A bunch of us went out again on Friday (obvi) and Alicia swooped in after work to come play. Sidebar: I have a love/hate relationship with the expression "come play." Jackie came with Leesh and we were all chillin' at a bar called the Maple Leaf. I played a game on this touch screen thing. It was just like Word Whomp (Best Game Ever) so I clearly owned that shit. The Maple Leaf was okay, but the real fun began when we got home.




On Saturday lots of friends came to visit. We all went to this Chinese restaurant called the Panda House to get scorpion bowls. It was fun, but there was a legit monsoon outside soo I was kind of a cunt until I dried off.














We went home and "raged" my apartment and the apartment next door. We even dropped those damned parachute men off the fire escape.


A few of us stayed up until the wee hours of the morning and tried to have intelligent conversations. That is, until American Girl by Estelle came on. We blasted that shit.

RNC coverage by Will with commentary from Alicia

Well, a few things were determined by John McCain's speech. The first, and arguably most important, is that watching him walk at his age is like walking an infant learning to walk around a staircase. I'm just clinching my teeth waiting for him to spill. The second is that McCain the 'Maverick' is really McCain the Predictable Pete.

[Now, now, let's not be too hasty .. this guy stands up to the bad guys in Washington and he's not afraid to reach across the aisle. And did you know he's a P.O.W.? -alicia]

Now don't get me wrong.. that doesn't mean I think he gave a bad speech. On the contrary actually. What started off as slow turned into a great speech when he came out and did what he had to do - which is: beating a dead horse and reminding everyone that he's a POW. If we're being H here, one of the only things McCain can do to to Obama to make himself look like Muhammad Ali glaring down at a beaten Sonny Liston is present himself as the ultimate war hero. Despite all of Obama's avalanche momentum and thin-waisted appeal [Mmmm I love his narrow hips and the righteous gleam in his chocolate-colored eyes], what can any McCain aggressor do but tip their hat, shut their mouths, and walk away when McCain tells the story of surviving five years of torture and keeping his mouth shut to protect his country?

[Well, I feel sheepish. *tips hat*]

But in this election what choice does McCain really have? He *HAS* to make himself appeal to Republicans since calling him one is almost a lie, and he *HAS* to play off strengths he has that Obama doesn't.

[Thick-waist? Check. Dull sheen of death in his eyes? Check. Nervous air of a Stephen King villain? Check!]

Despite somewhat contradicting himself in saying he's a maverick who doesn't belong to a party, then shortly after saying he wants to restore the 'old' Republican party (that apparently he's not a part of), he DID do a great job talking about his position on the economy and then nailed the end of his speech.

[I had nodded off by that point, so guess I'll have to take your somewhat suspect word on it.]

If I had a soul, I probably would have been crying. He also played the classy card by not picking apart Obama anywhere near the extent Obama picked apart him during his speech. Too bad classiness won't get you far in an election. In fairness, I think the biggest impact both the DNC and the RNC have had on America didn't actually come from the messages in any of these speeches. But rather, that if you're delivering a speech and finish any sentence with a pause... and a look down, you will receive a standing ovation as well as an uproar cheers from the crowd which eventually be drowned out by a "U.S.A!" chant.

[I LOVE CHANTS! I LOVE CHANTS! I LOVE CHANTS!]

*photo courtesy of the Associated Press