EDITOR'S NOTE from ALICIA:Back in the day, my dear friend and I Stephen Beverly and I were more than just buddies. In high school, our relationship went much, much deeper than that. It was a torrid, complex bond we shared, one we're still sorting out even now. I was the teaching assistant for one of his English classes our senior year at Drury High School. Taught by Tim Callahan (Hi, T.C.! I know you be creepin buntology. You better be), I ruled the classroom with an iron fist, giving tough grades to even the best students. I was hard, but fair. Ask TC. I was probably .. the best TA ever. Yep, that's how I was known up at ol' Drury - best piece of TA to ever saunter into an English classroom. Anyway, this play, written by my Steven and handed in only 2 days late, earned a 100 from me. I wrote in big pink letters: "100! Pure brilliance!" Mr. Callahan wrote: "She looooves you! But you get a 68." (He would have gotten an 88 if he'd handed it on on time.)
So now, for your reading pleasure: Subway Tales.
INT. WILLIAMSTOWN SUBWAY. NIGHT.
STEVE and ALICIA are talking
STEVESo what are you up to tonight?ALICIAOh, I don't know. Maybe I'll call one of my boyfriends or something.STEVESo, there are more than one now?ALICIAYeah, it's awesome.STEVEAwesome for a skank like you.ALICIAOh, well, at least my freshman girlfriend didn't dump me. Stupid loser.STEVEScrew you. Why don't you get another disease?An odd-looking couple walks in the door.WOMANDo you sell any sandwiches for a dollar?STEVENo, the cheapest sandwich is like three dollars.MAN(to woman) No, that's too much. How much for an apple pie?STEVESeventy-two cents.MANCan we have two of those, please?
STEVE gets them their food. They pay and walk over to a table. They talk for a moment or two, and then the man looks over at STEVE evilly. The pair then walks out.
STEVEWhat was the deal with them?ALICIAWhat do you mean?STEVEI'm not even sure THey were acting really weird while they ordered. Plus, they kept staring at me. I just think they're up to something.ALICIAYou're crazy, Steve. Have you been drinking or something?STEVEYou know, every time I have an idea, it doesn't necessarily mean I've been drinking, ALICIA.ALICIAMaybe you're not drunk. Maybe you're just on your crazy pills again, because those people weren't doing anything wrong!
Another customer walks in.
STEVEWhy don't you make yourself useful and get those people a sandwich.ALICIAScrew you.
A couple of hours pass and STEVE and ALICIA continue to go about their regular work.STEVEThat creepy lady is still sitting there. She must be up to no good.ALICIAYeah. I'm starting to get freaked out by her, too.STEVEMaybe she's just hungry. Ask her if she wants some free food.
ALICIA walks over to the woman.ALICIAUmmm ... would you like something to eat, or anything?WOMANNo, thank you.ALICIAAre you sure? We won't charge you.WOMANThat's quite all right. Thank you for asking, though. I'm really full from those pies.
ALICIA goes back behind the counter.
STEVEWell, what did she say?ALICIAShe told me that she was full from those pies.STEVEBut Alicia, I've been watching her, and -ALICIAAnd WHAT?STEVEAnd since I've been watching her, she hasn't eaten either of those pies!ALICIAOk, now I'm really freaked out!
They bother go into the back room.
STEVEAll right. If that crazy guy comes back, whoever is in back should just run away. Agreed?ALICIAOk. It's a deal.
They both prepare to close up for the night. STEVE goes and puts away some silverware and the strange man runs back in with some kind of large bag under his arm. He runs over to the WOMAN.
MANWe have to get out of here right now!WOMANDid you do it?MANOf course I did. Now let's go!
ALICIA drops a pot, drawing the attention of the MAN and WOMAN.
MANShe's on to us! (pulling a gun) Freeze, bitch!ALICIAAhhh! Oh my goodness, someone help me!MANShut up and get down on the ground!
ALICIA hesitates.
MANI said now, bitch!ALICIAGoodness! Steve, run quick!
STEVE comes out from the back with his hands in the air.
MANGet the heck on the ground!STEVEAll right. Just calm down, buddy.MANDon't tell me what to do!STEVEOk, but listen. There is a safe in the back with thousands of dollars in it. It's yours. Just don't hurt the girl.
MAN pauses, then looks over at woman.
MANWe could use some more money.WOMANWe've got plenty of money already. There's no reason to get this money.MANShut the heck up! Who asked you, anyway? (To STEVE) All right, show me the safe. ... And you better not try anything stupid.STEVEAll right, just don't do anything rash!
They start to go toward the back room.
ALICIABe careful, Stevie.MANYou shut the heck up, ho, or I'll slap you.
As he turns to yell at ALICIA, STEVE picks up a meatball pan and smacks the man over the head with it.
MANOuch! You hit me in the head with a meatball pan!
The MAN topples and STEVE grabs his gun.
ALICIAOh, Steve, you're so awesome and brave. How can I ever repay you?STEVEI'll think of something ... baby.
The WOMAN from the corner makes a run for the door.
STEVELook out! (shoots her in the leg)WOMANOuch! You shot me in the leg!ALICIAWow, Steve. You're such a good shot. Is there anything you aren't good at?STEVENope.
A few hours later, some police are still milling around, questioning STEVE and ALICIA.
OFFICERWell, I think that just about does it. And let me just shake the hand of a real live hero. (shakes STEVE'S hand) Not just anyone could stop two bank robbers.STEVEIt was nothing, officer. (looking at ALICIA) What do you say we head back to my house?ALICIA(Giggling) Whatever you say, baby.
STEVE and ALICIA go back to STEVE'S house. They fall asleep together, and STEVE is very content.
INT. STEVE'S BASEMENT - DAY
STEVE wakes up in his basement to find his friends JUSTIN, ROSS and WALT sitting around watching television.
STEVEHuh? What happened?ROSS(holding a funnel) You funneled 20 beers last night and puked all over the place.WALTYeah dude, it was wicked sweet.STEVEWhy is my eye all swelled shut?JUSTINYou grabbed ALICIA'S ass and her boyfriend punched you in the face.STEVEWow. That's almost like the dream I just had.
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1 comment:
After all these years, I'm still trying to decode the brilliance of this sentence: "They bother go into the back room."
Also, Steve always got 68s! That's how he rolled.
And, I can't say who was the best TA ever, although you were the only one ever to provide his or her own chair. So, extra points for that.
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